Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Peelz]

  .. she didn't care for it....
I think her mouth guard was in the way

i put too much duct tape on too. 

[Krandall]

Why does Kevin Spacey never get 1st place in races?
























Because he likes to come in a little behind.

[Peelz]

Why does Kevin Spacey never get 1st place in races?
























Because he likes to come in a little behind.

 

[Krandall]

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.

"How much for a hand-job?"

"5,000$" she replies.

"5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way."

"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a restaurant. "You see this restaurant? I own this restaurant because men pay me 5,000$ for hand jobs."

He ponders for a moment. "Damn, they must be pretty good then. Alright." He brings her back to his hotel room. Gets the hand job, and as advertised; it is the best hand job he has ever had. After he finishes, he realizes how perfect she is and asks. "Okay, that was awesome. How much for a blow job?"

"15,000$" she replies.

"15,000$?!? You are out of your mind. No way!" He shouts

"Come to the window." They walk to the window and she begins to point. "You see those three casinos? I own those casinos because men pay me 15,000$ for blow jobs."

"Fine, how can i say no?"

Once again, it is the best blow job of his life. He is writhing in ecstasy after finishing, and practically in love with this woman. "Okay, I am gonna regret this. How much for the pussy?"

"Come to the window." He follows her to the window, ready for anything. "Do you see all of Las Vegas?" She asks.

"No way! You own all of Las Vegas?!" He exclaims, astounded.

"No.." she looks down. " But I would if I had a pussy..."



 

[Hefe]

one of my fav's

[Krandall]

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.
Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.

On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.”

The blonde thinks, “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.”

The Frenchman thinks, “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.”

The Englishman thinks, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.”

[Krandall]

Bush, Trump, and Hillary are all on a plane... Bush says, "I could throw this 100$ bill out the window and make someone happy". Trump, with a smug look on his face replies and says, "I could throw ten 10$ bills out the window and make 10 people happy". Hillary smirks and says "oh yeah, I could throw one hundred 1$ bills out the window and make 100 people happy". Then the pilot says to the co-pilot, "I could throw all 3 of these fucking idiots out the window and make millions of people happy".

[Peelz]

Bush, Trump, and Hillary are all on a plane... Bush says, "I could throw this 100$ bill out the window and make someone happy". Trump, with a smug look on his face replies and says, "I could throw ten 10$ bills out the window and make 10 people happy". Hillary smirks and says "oh yeah, I could throw one hundred 1$ bills out the window and make 100 people happy". Then the pilot says to the co-pilot, "I could throw all 3 of these fucking idiots out the window and make millions of people happy".

  

[Hefe]

true story!

[Krandall]

A married couple are in bed one morning:
"I had a really good dream last night,” says the wife. “I dreamt that I was at a penis auction. Long dicks were going for $100 each and thick dicks were going for $200.”

“Really?” says the husband. “What would mine have fetched?”

“They were giving dicks like yours away for free,” says the wife.

“That’s funny, actually,” he replies, “because I had a dream that I was at a vagina auction. Juicy cunts were going for $500 and tight cunts were going for a grand.”

“How about mine?” asks the wife.

“That’s where they were holding the auction.”










I legit lol'd 

[Hefe]

lol!!!

[Krandall]

A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

[Hefe]

[Peelz]

A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

  

[Hefe]

I bet this holds true for MN and IA too

* If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Michigan.
* If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't even work there, you may live in Michigan.
* If you've worn shorts and a jacket at the same time, you may live in Michigan.
* If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong ...number,... you may live in Michigan.
* If "vacation" means going anywhere North of Grand Rapids for the weekend, you may live in Michigan.
* If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Michigan.
* If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Michigan.
* If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you may live in Michigan.
* If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Michigan.
* If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both doors unlocked, you may live in Michigan.
* If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Michigan.
* If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Michigan.
* If the speed limit on the highway is 70 mph -you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Michigan.
* If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Michigan.
* If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in Michigan.
* If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Michigan.
* If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly", you may live in Michigan.
* If you actually understand these jokes, repost this so all of your Michigan friends and others can see, you definitely do live - or have lived - in Michigan