Might sound cheesy but I liked it on the other site when everyone started posting their jokes
Q: Why does the Navy keep Marines on ships?
A: Because SHEEP would be too obvious!
Q: Why does the Navy keep Marines on ships?
A: Because SHEEP would be too obvious!
+10
Oh shit.
:rofl:
~Brian
Q: Why does the Navy keep Marines on ships?
A: Because SHEEP would be too obvious!
+10
Oh shit.
:rofl:
~Brian
A filthy rich Floridian man decided to throw a party and invited all of his friends and neighbors, including Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters, BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host announced. "I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy began fighting the gator in a life or death battle. Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Karate fighter. The water was churning and
splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were thrashing, grunting, groaning, and raising hell.
Finally, Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
The host rushes to Leroy and says, "That was amazing!! I guess I owe you a million dollars."
"No, that's okay.. I don't want it," said Leroy.
The host said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks?"
"No thanks, I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was a fantastic battle. How about a new Porsche, a Rolex, maybe some stock options?" Again Leroy said no.
Totally confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the sum-bitch who pushed me in the pool!"
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange,:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
>>> so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
>>> Short line. Just one lady in front of me. An Asian lady who
>>> was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little
>>> irritated . . She asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday,
>>> I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it
>>> change?"
>>>
>>> The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".
>>>
>>> The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!"
Q: Why does the Navy keep Marines on ships?hate to be that guy, but i dont get it
A: Because SHEEP would be too obvious!
A man slid into bed next to his wife and asked her if she wanted to have a little fun. She groaned and said "Not tonight I have to go to the gynecologist tomorrow morning." The man paused and then asked "Are you going to the dentist tomorrow?"
What do you call a fly when you pull it's wings off?
a Walk.
I know it is stupid but I like that joke.
How do you brainwash a woman?
Stomp on her douche.
Q: Why does the Navy keep Marines on ships?hate to be that guy, but i dont get it
A: Because SHEEP would be too obvious!
:rofl: can't go wrong with a joke that starts with "pirate walks into a bar"Ive gotten a lot of milage out of that joke :thumbs:
:clap:
you freaks are making my morning much better. between this joke and rk photochopping, I am in a great mood. :grin_nod:
no biggy....put up a little tamer one
no biggy....put up a little tamer one
Much better. The first one made me think you drove around offering free candy.
:lol:
name 2 things that are white, plastic, and dangerous to children.......
grocery bags and michael jackson
my life <-----greatest joke of all..... :clap: :clap: :clap:
my life <-----greatest joke of all..... :clap: :clap: :clap:
got a good one here: (if it is offensive I'll remove it) insert favorite forum members names
RR34 and Kyledvor were riding their yfz's in the Cali desert, then they got lost, and ran out of gas. So, they left their quads and walked for a few hours until they came upon a Railroad track. So they figured "let's each go one way and one of us has to eventually find a town" so, they split ways. Kyledvor, after walking all night, finally finds a town and catches a ride to go back for RR34. They finally find him... in good spirits, still walking. He says "you'll never believe what happened, I met this gorgeous woman, and we had sex all night." "Really", says kyledvor, "what did you do"? "man, we did everything", replies RR34. "well, did you have oral sex?" asks kyledvor. RR34 says: "well, no, I never did find her head"
RR's recent "adventures" made him the perfect candidate for this one. :rofl: That, and they ride yfz's. :grin_nod:
If these offend anybody, let me know...I will remove them. ( I just heard them, so I had to share)
Q: Why is the Camel known as the “Ship” of the desert?
A: Because it is full of Arabic seamen.
Q: How do you know when an Arabic boy is now a man?
A: he removes the diaper from his ass and puts it on his head.
If these offend anybody, let me know...I will remove them. ( I just heard them, so I had to share)lol that second one is pretty good :rofl:
Q: Why is the Camel known as the “Ship” of the desert?
A: Because it is full of Arabic seamen.
Q: How do you know when an Arabic boy is now a man?
A: he removes the diaper from his ass and puts it on his head.
Thought of the day...things that make you go hmmmmm.....
If you could get a girl pregnant from Anal sex, would it be considered a crack baby or just another asshole ???
:lol:
Thought of the day...
If you could get a girl pregnant from Anal sex, would it be considered a crack baby or just another asshole ???
:lol:
Gentleman,
I removed a few jokes from this thread do to Racial comments. Please refer to our rules (http://www.raptorsource.com/forum/index.php?topic=2.0) if you have any question about our stance about this.
There will not be another warning.
Aaron
Gentleman,
I removed a few jokes from this thread do to Racial comments. Please refer to our rules (http://www.raptorsource.com/forum/index.php?topic=2.0) if you have any question about our stance about this.
There will not be another warning.
Aaron
I apologize, I knew my jokes were a little edgy, but I didnt mean any harm by them. Sorry of I offended anybody.
did you guys see this one?
got a good one here: (if it is offensive I'll remove it) insert favorite forum members names
RR34 and Kyledvor were riding their yfz's in the Cali desert, then they got lost, and ran out of gas. So, they left their quads and walked for a few hours until they came upon a Railroad track. So they figured "let's each go one way and one of us has to eventually find a town" so, they split ways. Kyledvor, after walking all night, finally finds a town and catches a ride to go back for RR34. They finally find him... in good spirits, still walking. He says "you'll never believe what happened, I met this gorgeous woman, and we had sex all night." "Really", says kyledvor, "what did you do"? "man, we did everything", replies RR34. "well, did you have oral sex?" asks kyledvor. RR34 says: "well, no, I never did find her head"
RR's recent "adventures" made him the perfect candidate for this one. That, and they ride yfz's.
so i'm driving home way past drunk....sitting shotgun buddy's driving.....like i said we're shitfaced....he ends up getting pulled over by a cop while driving the wrong way down a one way street......the cop's trying to explain this all to him and he'sstill not quite able to grasp the concept of the one way street when he says to my buddy didn't you see the the arrow? his response: the arrow? i didn't even see the fucking indian!!!! ......he ended laughing so hard he let us go........... true story........
He should said (In his best beetlguise voice) "Icumcome for your daughter" :lol:
He should said (In his best beetlguise voice) "Icumcome for your daughter" :lol:
Mmmmmmmmm young Winona Ryder. :thumbs:
He should said (In his best beetlguise voice) "Icumcome for your daughter" :lol:
Mmmmmmmmm young Winona Ryder. :thumbs:
Then she stole shit, and it only made her hotter :lol:
:rofl: :rofl: chin yogurt, i eat that for breakfast
did you guys see this one?
got a good one here: (if it is offensive I'll remove it) insert favorite forum members names
RR34 and Kyledvor were riding their yfz's in the Cali desert, then they got lost, and ran out of gas. So, they left their quads and walked for a few hours until they came upon a Railroad track. So they figured "let's each go one way and one of us has to eventually find a town" so, they split ways. Kyledvor, after walking all night, finally finds a town and catches a ride to go back for RR34. They finally find him... in good spirits, still walking. He says "you'll never believe what happened, I met this gorgeous woman, and we had sex all night." "Really", says kyledvor, "what did you do"? "man, we did everything", replies RR34. "well, did you have oral sex?" asks kyledvor. RR34 says: "well, no, I never did find her head"
RR's recent "adventures" made him the perfect candidate for this one. That, and they ride yfz's.
How is a womans asshole and a 9 volt battery alike?
You know it's wrong, but you're still gonna put your tongue on it. :P
How is a womans asshole and a 9 volt battery alike?
You know it's wrong, but you're still gonna put your tongue on it. :P
A man walks up to a hot chick in a bar and asks "Do you want to have magic sex?"
The woman is shocked, but humored she asks "What is magic sex?"
The man confidently leans over and whispers in her ear..
"That's when we go F :mad: ck, then you disappear!" ;)
here's a good one.
The next time you are hanging out with some friends and one gets annoying and won't shut up: (if you smoke)
Ask them "wanna see a magic trick?" then, when they say "sure":
flick your cigarette ashes on their head and say "POOF, you're an ashtray!" :rofl:
love that gag. I quit smoking 5 yrs ago and had forgotten that one. Cigar ashes would be even worse, though......
A little girl walks past her momma's bedroom door and hears some noises. She stops and peaks through the keyhole.
Visably upset she shouts "That bitch!!!!.....and she gets upset becuase I suck my thumb!!!"
:grin_nod:
Krandall walks into a bar near SIlverlake last year and asks the bartender for 5 shots of Yaeger and a beer chaser. The bartender asks "whoa, buddy. What're we celebrating?" Krandall replies "I just had my first blow-job".:owned: i always knew there was something up with him :rofl:
The bartender smiles and says " well, congratulations. Let me get you another shot on the house!"
Krandall replies "If 5 shots of Yaeger and a beer chaser don't get the taste out of my mouth, NOTHING will".
Way to go Nick ! :lol:
EIGHT
Police in Radnor , Pa. interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on
his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message
'He's lying' was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button
each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the
'lie detector' was working, the suspect confessed.
thats about the funniest one there. and number 9 is just messed up
i dont get 7 :confused:glad im not the only one...
i dont get 7 :confused:glad im not the only one...
haha they were good tho
i dont get 7 :confused:glad im not the only one...
haha they were good tho
the dumb chick thaught the smoke was being sent over the computer from the main office downtown :confused:
Q: What's the difference between a woman and a basketball hoop?
A: A basketball hoop doesn't scream when you bang the rim!!!
Q:What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A: A washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load into it.
~Brian
Q: What's the difference between a woman and a basketball hoop?
A: A basketball hoop doesn't scream when you bang the rim!!!
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."omfg that is some funy shit right there that was PRICELESS
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need ... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?
"Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see ... size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $9
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.that woulda been great if i hadnt heard it before and told it to everyone i know ???
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'
The blonde opened his lunch and said, 'Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'
(Oh this is GOOD!!)
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,
'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'
Anyone follow Rugby at all??
A little girl was sitting in her classroom in Australia when her teacher walked in and started talking about how proud she is to be an Australian, and how wonderful it is to be a Wallaby supporter. The teacher then asked everyone who supported the Wallabies to put up their hand. Every hand in the class besides one went up. This surprised the teacher and so she asked the little girl why her hand wasn't up.
"Well," said the little girl, "because I don't support the Wallabies." Even more surprised, the teacher asked her who she supported. "I support the All Blacks", she replied. Now a bit irritated, the teacher asked the little girl why she supported the All Blacks. "My mom supports the All Blacks, and my dad supports the All Blacks, so I support the All Blacks." The teacher looked at the little girl and with a smirk asked: "Well, if your mom was an idiot and your dad was an idiot, what would you be?"
The little girl looked up at her teacher, smiled and replied: "A Wallaby supporter!"
Anyone follow Rugby at all??
A little girl was sitting in her classroom in Australia when her teacher walked in and started talking about how proud she is to be an Australian, and how wonderful it is to be a Wallaby supporter. The teacher then asked everyone who supported the Wallabies to put up their hand. Every hand in the class besides one went up. This surprised the teacher and so she asked the little girl why her hand wasn't up.
"Well," said the little girl, "because I don't support the Wallabies." Even more surprised, the teacher asked her who she supported. "I support the All Blacks", she replied. Now a bit irritated, the teacher asked the little girl why she supported the All Blacks. "My mom supports the All Blacks, and my dad supports the All Blacks, so I support the All Blacks." The teacher looked at the little girl and with a smirk asked: "Well, if your mom was an idiot and your dad was an idiot, what would you be?"
The little girl looked up at her teacher, smiled and replied: "A Wallaby supporter!"
That was only once :(
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is
at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides
in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the
closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.
The man says, 'Yes, it is.
'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.
'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.
'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the
lover are in the closet together.
Boy: 'Dark in here.
'
Man: 'Yes, it is.
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.
'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.
'
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove,
let's go outside and have a game of catch h.
'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.
'
The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'
The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm taking you to
church, to confession.
'
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in
the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again; you're in my
closet now.
believe it or not this just popped into my headthats so wrong yet so funny :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Hitting a lawyer - 20yrs in jail and 50 million dollars
Hitting a child - 10 yrs in jail and endless grief
hitting a black man - 5 yrs in jail and a bunch of ass whoopins in jail
Hitting a homeless - priceless
nope im lookin at the other part of that equation :confused:
no im just thinkin bout ur momma on it!nope im lookin at the other part of that equation :confused:
still tryin to find it?
:puke: :puke: :puke:no im just thinkin bout ur momma on it!nope im lookin at the other part of that equation :confused:
still tryin to find it?
shes a damn good F :mad: ck :thumbs:
Its 7:30 and you have already made love to me!
+1
What do you call a hooker with two guys in Thailand?
Wan Ho Open
Raptor Forum??
long as it takes to buy her some damn flowers asshole :rofl:
long as it takes to buy her some damn flowers asshole :rofl:
flowers dont work with this girl. trust me i have already tried that one
long as it takes to buy her some damn flowers asshole :rofl:
flowers dont work with this girl. trust me i have already tried that one
Buy her some parts for the raptor then :thumbs: :rofl:
:lol: still in the dog house?!
damn time for an update model if flowers dont work 8)
well good luck and dont have any sharp objects near just in case lol
A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw so
he sees
another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he
does sign language. He points at his eye meaning 'I', points at his knee
meaning
'need', and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.
The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts
masturbating.
The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and
says,
'What the hell is wrong with you dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!'
The other guy says, 'I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm
coming.
:rofl: them was great busby
A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw so:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
he sees
another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he
does sign language. He points at his eye meaning 'I', points at his knee
meaning
'need', and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.
The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts
masturbating.
The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and
says,
'What the hell is wrong with you dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!'
The other guy says, 'I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm
coming.
The Urinal Is Too Highyou pickin on midgets? :confused:
A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn
about
thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that
the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when
one
of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the
urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and
began hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their wee wees
to
direct the flow. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he
was
unusually well-endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in
the 4th grade.'
'No, ma'am, ' he replied. 'I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the
seventh.'
:rofl: them was great busby
"them was great?" ERMAHGERD B-rad. Doing the south proud! :lol:
After a relaxing bath... Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself, nude in a mirror.
Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight, was depressing her.. In an act of desperation, she decided to call on GERD for help.
'GERD... If you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to
you,' She prayed. And just like that... her ears fell off.
After a relaxing bath... Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself, nude in a mirror.
Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight, was depressing her.. In an act of desperation, she decided to call on GERD for help.
'GERD... If you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to
you,' She prayed. And just like that... her ears fell off.
*Cooling Off*holy shit thats awesome and so true :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very
hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake.
Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped
in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while
enjoying their 'freedom.' As they were crossing an open area, who should
come along but a group of women from town. Unable to get to their
clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and
the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the
minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather
than his privates.
The rabbi replied, 'I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's
my face they would recognize.'
There is a medical distinction.
We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but
do you
really know the difference between them? In an effort to
keep you
informed to alleviate further confusion, the following
definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the
guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to
ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - when she see the lipstick on your shirt collar, slapping her on the ass & saying "& YOU'RE NEXT"
Just finishing off what you had startedBALLS - when she see the lipstick on your shirt collar, slapping her on the ass & saying "& YOU'RE NEXT"
:rofl: if I remember rightly there is a joke with that ending
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.:rofl: :rofl:
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked him.
"Because I pissed in its ear & it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!!" the teacher exlaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
author=dragonz Wherein the world you hangin at?I am in the Asylum Seekers & Freeloaders Paradise (UK) but hoping to relocate to CT, I looked back at the joke I posted and didn't copy all of it LMAO good call bro :rofl: :thumbs:
Quoteauthor=dragonz Wherein the world you hangin at?I am in the Asylum Seekers & Freeloaders Paradise (UK) but hoping to relocate to CT, I looked back at the joke I posted and didn't copy all of it LMAO good call bro :rofl: :thumbs:
Quoteauthor=dragonz Wherein the world you hangin at?I am in the Asylum Seekers & Freeloaders Paradise (UK) but hoping to relocate to CT, I looked back at the joke I posted and didn't copy all of it LMAO good call bro :rofl: :thumbs:
1) Whats the matter with connecticut.
2) My girl lives there.
3) I am sick of the UK and not having the same rights as what the asylum seekers get.
4) I have wanted to live in the states for a long time the people are great and the women are hot :lol:
so all I can say is GET ME THE F :mad: CK OUT OF HERE !!!!
1) Whats the matter with connecticut.
2) My girl lives there.
3) I am sick of the UK and not having the same rights as what the asylum seekers get.
4) I have wanted to live in the states for a long time the people are great and the women are hot :lol:
so all I can say is GET ME THE F :mad: CK OUT OF HERE !!!!
:clap: :lol: yeah we use that alot here along with lots of other words which i have been teaching my girl lol.
you live far from dunes peels ?
:clap: :lol: yeah we use that alot here along with lots of other words which i have been teaching my girl lol.
you live far from dunes peels ?
10 hr trip. :( 12 because I go a bit out of my way, and pick up a buddy in Nebraska. Do you guys have decent riding areas over there? Besides the fact you can road license them.
She couldn't stop calling trucks "lorries" (sp?) :lol:
:clap: :lol: yeah we use that alot here along with lots of other words which i have been teaching my girl lol.
you live far from dunes peels ?
10 hr trip. :( 12 because I go a bit out of my way, and pick up a buddy in Nebraska. Do you guys have decent riding areas over there? Besides the fact you can road license them.
She couldn't stop calling trucks "lorries" (sp?) :lol:
which dunes do you go to ?
there are some areas here that you can ride at but mainly the rules are similar to there in the states due to the noobs at the governing land bodies, I wouldnt have that problem where i am as my unlcle has about 90 acres of woodland to ride around on but I am not going to get a raptor here as there isnt much point if I am going to be living in the states
They always say "you won't be able to hang with us in the mud."
thats a good joke. just cause we cant hit the deep stuff they think we cant ride in mud. it just takes alittle more skill from us to make it through
They always say "you won't be able to hang with us in the mud."
thats a good joke. just cause we cant hit the deep stuff they think we cant ride in mud. it just takes alittle more skill from us to make it through
I just wheelie through it! Or punch it and skip across! :lol: I am always ten times dirtier though. :lol:
For Phil :thumbs:FUCKIN AUSSIES!!! :lol:
On a tour of Australia, the Pope took a few days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing.
He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing an All Black rugby jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark. As the Pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men wearing Wallabies rugby jerseys.
One quickly fired a harpoon into the sharks side while the other two reached out and pulled the blue semiconscious Kiwi fan from the water. Then, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to him.
"I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there were some bitter hatreds between Australian and NZ rugby fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies,
"Who was that?"
"It was the Pope" one replied. "He is in direct contact with GERD and has access to all of GERD's wisdom."
"Well" the harpooner said,
"he may have access to GERD and his wisdom, but he doesn't know s**t about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up OK or do we need to get another one?"
:rofl: good one AaronWatch it, Shark Bait!
:rofl: good ones natural especially affiars 4 and 5they were all good
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
:rofl: Also: "How do you look in a trenchcoat?"
A fat colored man finds a magic lamp. His three wished are to be white, skinny and surrounded by pussy!! the genie says poof mna you a tampon. :rofl: another txt message joke
A fat colored man finds a magic lamp. His three wished are to be white, skinny and surrounded by pussy!! the genie says poof mna you a tampon. :rofl: another txt message joke:rofl: :clap: great one brad :thumbs: +1
If you had purchased $1000 of Fannie May shares one year ago it would now be worth $4.95, with Lehman Bros., earlier this week your $1000 would have been worth $16.50, $1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than $5, but if you bought $1000 worth of Coors one year ago, drank it all,
then took the empty cans to an aluminum re-cycling plant, you would get $214.
So based on the above statistics the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and re-cycle.
Monica Lewinsky was on TV stating that she would back the Republicans this round as the Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth ???
good ones Busby :lol: them are kickass
why did the chicken cross the road?
seriously i have no F :mad: cking idea
why did the chicken cross the road?
seriously i have no F :mad: cking idea
Why did the pervert cross the road?
Because he couldn't get his dick out of the chicken :D
How does a Raptor rider unscrew a light bulb? They dont they just hold the bulb and let the world rotate around them!!!
Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane He turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the Obama, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the Obama. 'How about What Changes I Should Make To America ?' and he smiles.
'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - .
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow
turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?'
Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don't know crap?
:lol: wtf is "petrol", Busby? Just Kidding!
love it "the world is your urinal" :rofl:
:lol: wtf is "petrol", Busby? Just Kidding!
love it "the world is your urinal" :rofl:
It's a bit like meth just not as strong lol
no it goes into the petrol tank lol
your working today ?
can't be all bad you atleast get to go online so you get something to do
Hey Aaron (Colorado700),
Remeber that time when we were cruisin down the road and you stuck your head out one window and I stuck my ass out another window and everyone thought we were twins? Ah, good times! :rofl: :rofl:
Hey Aaron (Colorado700),
Remeber that time when we were cruisin down the road and you stuck your head out one window and I stuck my ass out another window and everyone thought we were twins? Ah, good times! :rofl: :rofl:
Yeah, that was in Texas :(
Then the cop pulled us over and came to talk to your side becuase you looked like a Texas native :P
You Know You Live in Colorado When...
You switch from "Heat" to A/C in one day, but also need an umbrella. TRUE
You know what the "Peoples Republic of Boulder" means. TRUE
Your sense of direction is: towards the mountains and away from the mountains. Very TRUE
You're a meat eating vegetarian. FERK NO
You use a down comforter in the summer cause you have the A/c set at 55 degrees. TRUE :rofl:
You're able to drive 65 miles per hour through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without even flinching. YES, but thats not a CO skill (WI)
You take your out-of-town guests to Casa Bonita even though you would never go there otherwise. OH HELL NO
You install security lights on your house and garage but leave all the doors unlocked. SO TRUE :rofl:
You think the major food groups are granola bars, tofu and Fat Tire Beer. FERK NO
You carry jumper cables in the truck and your girlfriend knows how to use them. SO ???
Your a Texan if......
1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway. Everyday
2. "Vacation" means going to the family reunion. False
3. You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular. True
4. You measure distance in minutes. Yes I do
5. You know several people who have hit a deer. True
6. Your school classes were canceled because of cold. Idiots
7. Your school classes were canceled because of heat. False
8. You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day. True
9. You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better." False
10. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks. True
11. Stores don't have shopping carts; they have buggies. True
12. You see people wearing bib overalls at funerals, but think nothing of it. True, thats my family
13. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year. Thats me
14. You use "fix" as an auxiliary verb. Example: "Ahm fixin' to go to the store." me again
15. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, or animal. SO WHAT!
16. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked. true
17. You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows. Don't piss off Aunt Alice
18. You carry jumper cables in your car ... for your OWN car. True (Why else)
19. You know what "cow tippin" and "snipe huntin" is. goes along with beer drinking
20. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco. AND Jalapenos
21. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent. TRUE
22. You think sexy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts. NO boxer shorts needed
23. The local paper covers national and international news on one page but requires 6 pages for sports. :rofl:
24. You think that deer season is a national holiday. IT SHOULD BE :clap:
25. You know which leaves make good toilet paper. Yep
26. You find 90 degrees F "a little warm." That is actualy cooling down
27. You know all 4 seasons: Almost summer, summer, Still summer, and Christmas.
28. You know if another Texan is from south, east, west, or north Texas as soon as they open their mouth. True :grin_nod:
29. There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 1000 or more. Found it in smaller towns too
30. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as "good gumbo weather." STEW
31. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda or a cola or a pop-it's a Coke (or a Dr. Pepper), regardless of brand or flavor. Yep :lol:
32. Going to Walmart is a favorite past-time known as "goin' wal-martin'." False it is Wally-World
33. You recognize that cheese grits and catfish nuggets is a meal that must have been bestowed upon the people by the Lord Himself. False
34. You can be satisfied with a meal consisting only of a hunk of bread with flavored flour water (a delicacy known as "biscuits n' gravy"). Sausage - Biscuits and gravy but tacos rule down here! :rofl:
New Colorado Quarters Recalled
If any of you are collecting the new state quarters, you may have to wait a while for the Colorado ones.
The US Treasury has announced they are recalling the new Colorado quarters. "We are recalling all of the new Colorado quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Russell Shackelford said in a press conference Monday.
"This comes in the wake of numerous reports to this agency that the quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin- operated devices. We believe the problem lies in a design flaw," said Skackelford.
The winning design for the Colorado quarter was submitted by University of Colorado at Boulder student William Doutrieux.
"Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."
A Husker Fan is having breakfast one morning: Coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jelly. When a Colorado Fan, chewing gum, sits down next to him.
The Husker Fan ignores the Colorado Fan, who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Colorado Fan: "You Nebraska folk eat the whole bread?"
Husker Fan: " Of course!"
Colorado Fan: (after blowing a large bubble) "We don't in Colorado, we Only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Nebraska."
The Colorado Fan has a smirk on his face.
The Husker Fan listens in silence. The Colorado Fan persists.
Colorado Fan: "Do you eat jelly with the bread?"
Husker Fan: "Of course!"
Colorado Fan: (cracking his gum between his teeth & chuckling) "We don't. In Colorado we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and jelly and sell it to Nebraska."
The Husker Fan then asks, "Do you have sex in Colorado?"
Colorado Fan: "Why of course we do", he says with a smirk.
Husker Fan: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Colorado Fan: "We throw them away, of course?"
Husker Fan: "We don't. In Nebraska, we put them all in a container, Recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to Colorado."
B-Rad's favorite $exual position: "Doggy" style.
He "sits and begs" while his woman "rolls over and plays dead"
:rofl:
B-Rad's favorite $exual position: "Doggy" style.
He "sits and begs" while his woman "rolls over and plays dead"
:rofl:
ASSHOLE :rofl: thats all i have to say there
B-Rad's favorite $exual position: "Doggy" style.
He "sits and begs" while his woman "rolls over and plays dead"
:rofl:
ASSHOLE :rofl: thats all i have to say there
you were on when I posted it! :lol: thought you would see it right away. :lol:
B-Rad's favorite $exual position: "Doggy" style.
He "sits and begs" while his woman "rolls over and plays dead"
:rofl:
ASSHOLE :rofl: thats all i have to say there
you were on when I posted it! :lol: thought you would see it right away. :lol:
i think i had just signed off an went to work around that time. its a funny joke though i will have to tell it to my boss tomorrow
What does a redneck girl and the Unabomber have in common?
They've both been fingered by their brothers.
I'm not a Redneck, I'm a Hick ;)
the diffrence being my mother actual had to change her last name when they got married :thumbs:
:rofl:
You might be a redneck if you think genitalia is an Italian airline!
Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?'
I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped fishing.
A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are riding in an elevator. The redhead notices a spot on the elevator wall and says, "That looks like a cum stain!"
The brunette leans over and smells the stain. "Smells like a cum stain too!"
The blonde leans over and licks the spot on the elevator wall, then says, "Yep, but it's nobody from this building."
+1 :rofl:A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are riding in an elevator. The redhead notices a spot on the elevator wall and says, "That looks like a cum stain!"
The brunette leans over and smells the stain. "Smells like a cum stain too!"
The blonde leans over and licks the spot on the elevator wall, then says, "Yep, but it's nobody from this building."
that is straight up sick and wrong.
you fit in nicely. :lol:
Q: How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?
A: wave at him.
note to self... stay away from Kentucky girls!
well Kentucky fried chicken is good, thats bout it.
well Kentucky fried chicken is good, thats bout it.
The reason it's "Kentucky" is 'cause all the chickens are related to each other.
well Kentucky fried chicken is good, thats bout it.
The reason it's "Kentucky" is 'cause all the chickens are related to each other.
well greasy inbred chicken taste's damn good then, lol.
well Kentucky fried chicken is good, thats bout it.
The reason it's "Kentucky" is 'cause all the chickens are related to each other.
well greasy inbred chicken taste's damn good then, lol.
My chicken's got 3 drumsticks! :lol:
well Kentucky fried chicken is good, thats bout it.
The reason it's "Kentucky" is 'cause all the chickens are related to each other.
well greasy inbred chicken taste's damn good then, lol.
Brad, did you get that one in a text? Somone at work showed me that and it was worded wrong. Not even grammar ninja could figure it out. Makes sense now..funny.
not big on jalapenos, but I do like Church's
not big on jalapenos, but I do like Church's
The jalepenos are tamed and they taste good with the chicken. My mexican always brings sme crazy peppers when he gets tacos for us. We have contests to see whothe dumbest person iseats the most peppers. I always win. And lose. :confused:
not big on jalapenos, but I do like Church's
The jalepenos are tamed and they taste good with the chicken. My mexican always brings sme crazy peppers when he gets tacos for us. We have contests to see whothe dumbest person iseats the most peppers. I always win. And lose. :confused:
THe burning rectum trick keeps Erich away :lol:
not big on jalapenos, but I do like Church's
The jalepenos are tamed and they taste good with the chicken. My mexican always brings sme crazy peppers when he gets tacos for us. We have contests to see whothe dumbest person iseats the most peppers. I always win. And lose. :confused:
THe burning rectum trick keeps Erich away :lol:
Nothing keeps that ass spelunker away. :confused:
The trick is to put the toilet paper in the freezer. :thumbs:
not big on jalapenos, but I do like Church's
The jalepenos are tamed and they taste good with the chicken. My mexican always brings sme crazy peppers when he gets tacos for us. We have contests to see whothe dumbest person iseats the most peppers. I always win. And lose. :confused:
THe burning rectum trick keeps Erich away :lol:
Nothing keeps that ass spelunker away. :confused:
The trick is to put the toilet paper in the freezer. :thumbs:
not big on jalapenos, but I do like Church's
The jalepenos are tamed and they taste good with the chicken. My mexican always brings sme crazy peppers when he gets tacos for us. We have contests to see whothe dumbest person iseats the most peppers. I always win. And lose. :confused:
THe burning rectum trick keeps Erich away :lol:
Nothing keeps that ass spelunker away. :confused:
The trick is to put the toilet paper in the freezer. :thumbs:
:lol:
I'll have to let my bro know that one. He did the buffalo wild wings blazing challenge.. Freaking rediculously hot wings..... 12 of them in.. frick I think 3 minutes. I forget. Said his stomach hurt 1 day after. and his butt hurt for 2 days. :help: ::)
My Job.
The end.
My Job.
The end.
I sense the anger sharks swiming in your head again :lol:
not big on jalapenos, but I do like Church's
The jalepenos are tamed and they taste good with the chicken. My mexican always brings sme crazy peppers when he gets tacos for us. We have contests to see whothe dumbest person iseats the most peppers. I always win. And lose. :confused:
not big on jalapenos, but I do like Church's
The jalepenos are tamed and they taste good with the chicken. My mexican always brings sme crazy peppers when he gets tacos for us. We have contests to see whothe dumbest person iseats the most peppers. I always win. And lose. :confused:
"my mexican"??
wtf! :lol: Are those a commodity now?
and...wtf happened to this thread? Buddha shows up and all hell breaks loose?
I am so proud! :lol:
not big on jalapenos, but I do like Church's
The jalepenos are tamed and they taste good with the chicken. My mexican always brings sme crazy peppers when he gets tacos for us. We have contests to see whothe dumbest person iseats the most peppers. I always win. And lose. :confused:
"my mexican"??
wtf! :lol: Are those a commodity now?
and...wtf happened to this thread? Buddha shows up and all hell breaks loose?
I am so proud! :lol:
Yep. I actually have three of 'em here. It's Arizona.
Thay cracked me up Busby :thumbs:
Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:
5. Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
What do Socal and Santa Claus have in common?
they both leave Kyles room with an empty sack :clap:
your rightWhat do Socal and Santa Claus have in common?
they both leave Kyles room with an empty sack :clap:
thats not funny :'( :'(
WARNING - not politically correct!
A man, having applied to join the police force, is being interviewed.
The Inspector says 'Your qualifications are first-class but there is one test that you must pass before I can recruit you.'
Sliding a small bag across the desk, he continues, 'Take this gun, go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six asylum seekers and a rabbit.'
The man says 'Why the rabbit?'
'Fantastic attitude!' says the inspector. 'When can you start?'
:lol:
:lol: Great joke polarass. :lol:
:lol: Great joke polarass. :lol:
o'tay I fixed it. Better? :lol:
I about died reading this! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
This one's for the nerds.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third, a quarter of a beer. The bartender says "You're all idiots", and pours two beers
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. ‘Tie me up,’ she purred, ‘and you can do anything you want.’ So he tied her up and went golfing.
:lol:
:rofl: friggin grate Aaron
:rofl: friggin grate Aaron
grate like grating cheese...or great as in good? :lol: ;)
HI :ninja:
:rofl: friggin grate Aaron
grate like grating cheese...or great as in good? :lol: ;)
HI :ninja:
damnit peels! give me a break :lol:
A Filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.hasnt this one been posted in this thread...... :confused:
He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.'
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.
Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'
No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'
Leroy said, 'I want the name of the Sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'
~Brian
Ya shoulda asked "Arm or Leg?":rofl: friggin grate Aaron
grate like grating cheese...or great as in good? :lol: ;)
HI :ninja:
damnit peels! give me a break :lol:
ok maybe for awhile..... :lol:
Ya shoulda asked "Arm or Leg?":rofl: friggin grate Aaron
grate like grating cheese...or great as in good? :lol: ;)
HI :ninja:
damnit peels! give me a break :lol:
ok maybe for awhile..... :lol:
I'm near full bolwn drunk! :nana: :mad: ??? ::) :'( :) :) :lol: :rofl: :rofl:
Whats the similarity between Pink Floyd and Dale earnheardt?
There biggest hit was the wall.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
A woman multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
Why is this important for every man to know?
Because if you give her any crap, you need be ready to receive a ton of shit in return.
~Brian
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
Thats not fair Nikki. :'(
I qualify for Number 1 :(
Thats not fair Nikki. :'(
I qualify for Number 1 :(
Yeah right, you're just a skinny little crack head. That's not a washboard.
all you need to do is quit smoking....watch the pounds pile on.
:lol:
I was shocked that you could, damn that girl can put down the food. I would be proud if I was Randy.
all you need to do is quit smoking....watch the pounds pile on.
:lol:
gee RappyPrincess where did you get that joke from lol :rofl: :clap:
After a moment of silence, he farted.
The End
After a moment of silence, he farted.
The End
awesome
gee RappyPrincess where did you get that joke from lol :rofl: :clap:
This canadian guy, the blue rocket, he he he :clap:
gee RappyPrincess where did you get that joke from lol :rofl: :clap:
This canadian guy, the blue rocket, he he he :clap:
shhhhh dont say that last thing i need is the mini hos running after me trying to light up my farts
oh yea :clap:gee RappyPrincess where did you get that joke from lol :rofl: :clap:
This canadian guy, the blue rocket, he he he :clap:
shhhhh dont say that last thing i need is the mini hos running after me trying to light up my farts
oh yea :clap:gee RappyPrincess where did you get that joke from lol :rofl: :clap:
This canadian guy, the blue rocket, he he he :clap:
shhhhh dont say that last thing i need is the mini hos running after me trying to light up my farts
A little boy and a pedophile are walking in the deep, dark, woods. The little boy says,
"Mister, I'm scared! These woods are really creepy."
The pedophile replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back all by myself."
:help:
:rofl: :rofl:
nice :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
and more like kyle and socal walk into the woods :(
he's stronger :'(nice :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
and more like kyle and socal walk into the woods :(
So who got tea bagged?
~Brian
this guy had to go on a business trip and he was worried about his wife because she has had an affair before. he wanted to get her somthing to keep her busy so hewent to a store to findsomething. he asked the clerk i need something to keep my wife busy for the weekend im goin away. he says here try this its a magic dildo. "what is it" said the man. "all u do is say magic dildo and an object and it will f :mad: ck it. thetheman says "ok,magic dildo the keyhole" so the magic dildo starts bangin thekeyhole. he buys the dildo and gives it to his wife and leaves. after a few hours the wife gets bored and says magic dildo my pussy. sheeventually gets tired but doesnt know how to turn it off so she gets in her car todrive to the hospital. a cop pulls her over for speeding and asks why she was speeding. so she says. help.. magic dildo... cant stop. the cop amused said "magic dildo my ass"that is amazing :rofl:
FLYNBYU was helping his wife set up a password for her computer, he typed in my penis. His wife hit the floor laughing when the computer said "not long enough"
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
good one, thats gonna be my mom in 20 years, lol
Hey
Don't say anything but guess who's still together after all the shit between them?
Your buttcheeks :lol:
Hey:rofl: :rofl:
Don't say anything but guess who's still together after all the shit between them?
Your buttcheeks :lol:
lol, buuuuuurnnn :clap:
I work a t a car dealership.
What do you expect?
:lol:
~Brian
:rofl:
should be Arkansas
Here's one for the nerds.....
Q: What do you get when you divide the circumference of your jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi!
~Brian
Here's one for the nerds.....
Q: What do you get when you divide the circumference of your jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi!
~Brian
+1 I thought it was hillarious....Here's one for the nerds.....
Q: What do you get when you divide the circumference of your jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi!
~Brian
Guess I am a nerd. I am dyin'! :lol:
A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich." The Madam says, "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf." The trucker says, "I ain't horny, I'm homesick."
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks: "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies. "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says: "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?" she asked.
"Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties," he said.
The woman giggles and replies: "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
The man explains: "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! :lol:
What the hell Peels? I dnt have a clue what they are saying.
What the hell Peels? I dnt have a clue what they are saying.
First: "MR DUX"
Em Are Ducks
Them Are Ducks
Second: "MR NO DUX"
Em Not Ducks
Them Not Ducks
"OSAR"
Oh Es Ay Are
Oh Yes they are
"CDEDBD wings"
See Dee EE Dee Bee Dee Wings
See The itty bitty wings
Q: How do you get a faggot to f*ck a woman?
A: Pack her vagina full of shit.
Q: What's the smartest thing to come out of a woman's mouth?
A: Einstien's cock.
~Brian
A doctor is upset with himself because he slept with one of his patients. The devil on his shoulder says, "its ok, a lot of doctors do that" and the angel on his shoulder says "are you kidding?!" Your a VET!
pick on your favourite part of town & substitute for South Auckland (think low socioeconomic grouping)
WINZpick on your favourite part of town & substitute for South Auckland (think low socioeconomic grouping)
:lol: can I substitute miles for kilometers, Ounces for Milliliters, and what is WINZ? ;)
Alternative motto for Raptor Source;
If it's fried, we'll eat it.
If it's alcohol, we'll drink it.
If it's breathing, we'll shag it.
And if it's not breathing, we'll still shag it
Alternative motto for Raptor Source;
If it's fried, we'll eat it.
If it's alcohol, we'll drink it.
If it's breathing, we'll shag it.
And if it's not breathing, we'll still shag it, fry it & eat it
Changed to allow for Socal's "issue" :nod:
Peels and Preddy are sat in a cafe.
A waitress came over and said "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
So they swapped.
Hey Lady4Fiddy, do you think RS is a sexist boys club, or are you cool with hanging out here with us, our gay jokes, & general perversion?Peels and Preddy are sat in a cafe.
A waitress came over and said "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
So they swapped.
:rofl:
Hey Lady4Fiddy, do you think RS is a sexist boys club, or are you cool with hanging out here with us, our gay jokes, & general perversion?Peels and Preddy are sat in a cafe.
A waitress came over and said "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
So they swapped.
:rofl:
Or do you actually enjoy all our sh!t ??? :rolleyes: Not that I am noted for raising the tone of any place I hang out either.
However I do think it would be good if more girls were involved here (peels & preddy, you 2 wearing skirts doesn't count)
Any suggestions? or are you just our one exception to the boys club rule?
Claiming or suggesting membersip of the female race requires more than wearing a skirt or playing wide receiver...................!Hey Lady4Fiddy, do you think RS is a sexist boys club, or are you cool with hanging out here with us, our gay jokes, & general perversion?Peels and Preddy are sat in a cafe.
A waitress came over and said "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
So they swapped.
:rofl:
Or do you actually enjoy all our sh!t ??? :rolleyes: Not that I am noted for raising the tone of any place I hang out either.
However I do think it would be good if more girls were involved here (peels & preddy, you 2 wearing skirts doesn't count)
Any suggestions? or are you just our one exception to the boys club rule?
There are few other female members to note: Krandall for one... :lol:
Hey Lady4Fiddy, do you think RS is a sexist boys club, or are you cool with hanging out here with us, our gay jokes, & general perversion?Peels and Preddy are sat in a cafe.
A waitress came over and said "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
So they swapped.
:rofl:
Or do you actually enjoy all our sh!t ??? :rolleyes: Not that I am noted for raising the tone of any place I hang out either.
However I do think it would be good if more girls were involved here (peels & preddy, you 2 wearing skirts doesn't count)
Any suggestions? or are you just our one exception to the boys club rule?
Heard that one before 4fizzle.
New joke today made my day.
I once overheard someone say we would have a black president...
I also heard anothe guy say "Yeah right, When Pig's fly"
Now, 100 days into Obama's administration:
V
V
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
SWINE "FLU" :rofl:
Heard that one before 4fizzle.
New joke today made my day.
I once overheard someone say we would have a black president...
I also heard anothe guy say "Yeah right, When Pig's fly"
Now, 100 days into Obama's administration:
V
V
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
SWINE "FLU" :rofl:
That was lame, I got that text from 3 different people last night. I didn't even laugh.
The only thing lady4fiddy can burn is her eyes from her bathtub exploding.
It's soooo true.+1 :nod:
A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband. He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to put it in your butt, but no you thought that might hurt!"
A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband. He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to put it in your butt, but no you thought that might hurt!"
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home, he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she blurts: "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors," he replies: "gold, silver and bronze."
"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course," says the man proudly.
The wife responds wryly: "Why don't you wear silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change."
A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season in rural Arkansas near a blacktop highway. A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and took careful aim. But, before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed at a funeral procession passing on the road below their stand. The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer. His friend was amazed.
"Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known.
The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."
Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and 11 other bells began to ring.
TOTALLY Phil :lol:
A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback. On his way he saw a man having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a man with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar.
"For GERD's sake!", the tourist cried: "What the hell's going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a man shagging a sheep, and now some man's wanking himself off in the bar!"
"Settle down mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep."
:sit:Maybe we should start calling you Johnny, 'cos you keep on walking............. :nod:
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
A notable gynecologist once said,
"The best engine in the world is the vagina.
It can be started with one finger.
It is self-lubricating.
It takes any size piston.
And it changes its own oil every four weeks.
It is only a pity that the management system is so ing temperamental."
But I slept with someone and forgot his name, that's not alzhiemers, it was usually just Raptor Source Rides :lol::rolleyes:
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago. Nothing Is Moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold up?'
'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, , Oprah Winfrey, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 Million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.' The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?
'About a gallon'
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.
"Hello?"
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now? "
"We recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
"Life is tough.....but it's tougher if you're stupid"
A mother is driving her young daughter to her friend’s house for a play date.:rofl: sent this one to work
"Mommy," the little girl asks: "how old are you?"
The mother looks over at the little girl and says: "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite."
"OK," the little girl says: "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says: "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks: "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"Enough of your questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother drops her daughter off and leaves her to play with her friend.
"My mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend, a few moments later.
"All you need to do is look at her driver's license," the friend replies: "It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother: "I know you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds," the little girl says.
The mother is past surprise and shock now: "How in heaven's name did you find that out?" she asks.
The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And... I know why you and daddy got divorced."
"Oh really?" the mother asks: "Why is that?"
To which the girl replies: "Because you got an F in sex."
An Irishman who has had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver: "where have you been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub, of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well, it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening," the cop says.
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know that, a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" asks the cop.
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk: "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
An Irishman who has had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver: "where have you been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub, of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well, it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening," the cop says.
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know that, a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" asks the cop.
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk: "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
love it!
> I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline
> Got a freaking call center in Pakistan
>
> I told them I was suicidal.
>
> They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
>
> Assholes.................
:rofl:your always quick :lol:
how many of us have used the "I'll be quick" plea? :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
:rofl:your always quick :lol:
how many of us have used the "I'll be quick" plea? :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
There was two Mexican panhandlers,working the interstate off ramps. One named José the other Hector. José had 12 bucks after two hours. He asked Hector,how much you got homes? Hector said close to $800. José said how my sign reads need food got 4 hungry kids anything will help! Hector said that's your problem SA. Mine says I only need another $20 to get back to Mexico.
HER DIARY
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
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HIS DIARY
Had to jump start the Raptor today, but at least I got laid.
HER DIARY
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY
My Raptor wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.
This is good stuff Fiddy :nod:HER DIARY
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY
My Raptor wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.
Why did you publish my diary asshole! :rofl:
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"Thats a great one
The father replied: "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."
Why is pussy like snow? Its fun to play in, you never know when its going to come, and only some of it is clean enough to eat.
So a pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head and askes for a shot of whiskey. Bartenders gives him the shot and asks why he has the paper towel on his head. Pirate replys......................."Errrr there's a Bounty on my head"
:clap: :clap: :clap: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
I had sex with Tiger Woods
I had sex with Tiger Woods
me too!
he paid Peels 10 million to open his!
I tried to play UNO with some Mexicans today, but the motherfuckers kept stealing the green cards so i quit!!
A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on a donkey. He is not hungry or thirsty, because he has a bottomless bowl of fruit. He wanders for about a week and eventually gets pretty horny. He gets to the point where he can't stand it anymore.
So he decides to try and have s*x with the donkey.
He drops his pants and positions himself under the donkey. But, to his dismay, the donkey walks away.
Only slightly discouraged, the man decides to try again. He walks to where the donkey is standing, positions himself under the donkey, and right before he goes for it, the donkey walks away again. Now the man is getting frustrated.
As he prepares for his third and final try, he sees a vision. A beautiful, naked woman appears out of nowhere. She approaches the stunned man, who until recently, believed that he was the only person for hundreds of miles.
She smiles at him and says, "I would do anything for that bowl of fruit you have."
"Anything?" he says, getting fairly excited.
"Yes, anything." she replies.
So he says, "Will you hold the donkey?"
A girl invites her boyfriend home for dinner and tells him they'll go for a long ride after that.LMAO
Boy is eager and gets his motorbike checked at the garage. The mechanic tells him everything is ok except the tank cap, which is slightly loose. So as to avoid water going in. The boy immediately purchases a tube of vaseline and heads off towards his girlfriends house.
Upon reaching there his girlfriend tells him secretly that the situation in the house is bad as nobody at home has done the dishes or chores for several weeks and the house is a complete mess and that they had decided that whoever speaks first today at dinner would clean up everything.
Boy enters the house and sure enough the place is unbelievably dirty and everyone sits down silently at the dinner table. The boy gets a mischievous idea and jumps on his girlfriend rips of her clothes and has take her in front of everyone.
Girlfriend gets excited, mom is embarrassed and dad is furious. But nobody speaks a word.
After sometime the boy gets another idea and this time goes to mother and has s*x with her. Mother is excited, daughter and father are infuriated. But still nobody speaks.
A little more time passes and the boy hears a clap of thunder and remembers his bike and whips out the vaseline and gets up when the father screams ,"OH NO. I' LL DO THE DISHES"
Yeah I feel ya,I vented some I'm over it. Just one question why stop at one word. There's a whole gang of offinsive words out there.
good one wandi :lol:
wow... no fricken way! :'( What losers would go telling people that! :confused:Delusional???
Of course she's real. :thumbs:
Dragonz. No one invited you in..WTF are yew gonna do about it ???
:door:
:lol:
Hey don't forget to list your MOUTH on you 2009 tax return. I heard it got a lot of work this year. Just file it under "Earned in-Cum". :rofl:
A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom he needs Viagra. Mother asks "why?" He replies, "isn't tht what u give dad when his shit won't get hard?"
Every feb 14th men get the chance to display their love and affection for the woman in their life but secretly guys feel left out. there's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. now there is. March 20th is now officially Steak, Blowjob, and Shut the FERK up Day. it's a simple, effective, and self explanatory holiday. no cards. no flowers. no special nights on the town. just a steak, a blowjob, and a day where women shut the FERK up. The word is already spreading but like any new idea it needs a little push to get the ball rolling. so spread the word.
Q. What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
A. No matter what, somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer.
Q. What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, meth lab in Iowa, and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
A. No matter what, somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer.
laughing out loud for real!!!!!!
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said: "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"
"Well," he said: "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"
"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."
sounds like Aaron. :lol:
let me guess, you voted against ??? :POne day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said: "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"
"Well," he said: "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"
"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."
sounds like Aaron. :lol:
:lol: It does... only I got the shit end of the deal!
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a
high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
who da hell is dis guy? ^^^^
good one busby!
A group of managers are given an assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders and dropping the tape measures. The whole thing is just a mess.
An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.
After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs: "Isn't that just like an engineer? We're looking for the height and he gives us the length!"
Q: What is the difference between a waitress who works in a strip club and an actual stripper?
A: About two weeks.
no.. its the amount of crying
Lap dance is so much better when the stripper is crying
Nothing wrong with supporting single mothers!no.. its the amount of crying
Lap dance is so much better when the stripper is crying
and telling you they do it for their babies :lol: :lol: :lol:
those T-shirts are all over Vegas!Never been to Vegas
The Pope and Nancy Pelosi found themselves seated up on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leaned towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one small wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this moment and rejoice with profound happiness?"
Pelosi replied, "With one little wave of your hand, your Popeness? I seriously doubt that. Show me!"
So the Pope backhanded her.
I know how She feels!
A Letter To Jessie James
You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?
How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world. She has a body to die for and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah. Your wife, recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named "America's Sweetheart." You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world while you were porkin’ away.You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated asshole cheater on the planet! How can you live with yourself!
I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of shit that you are:
Thanks for taking the heat off of me. Let’s do lunch.
~Tiger
is that what my wife does while I golf?I did wonder who her husband was
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year,
the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy,
but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents.
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
'Well, two Wong's don't make a white,
so I think we will name him...
Are you ready for this?
Sum Ting Wong
raptors
Global Facts About Sex
At Any Given Moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading RaptorSource jokes instead of getting it on.
You hang in there, Sunshine ......
Q: What should you do if ever you're attacked by a vicious gang of clowns?
A: Go for the juggler.
Q: What should you do if ever you're attacked by a vicious gang of clowns?
A: Go for the juggler.
ERMAHGERD...
:no:
that is sooo bad!
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange so I went to the
currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line. Just one guy in
front of me...
The guy in front of me was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen
for dollars and he was a little agitated...
He asked the teller, "Why it change? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla fo
yen ~ today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller says, "Fluctuations."
The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"
Anyone know what the gay horse says? (Other than thanks Peelz)
Anyone know what the gay horse says? (Other than thanks Peelz)
(In my best gay voice) Heeeeeeeeyyyyy! :gunny:
For all those men who say "why marry the cow when you can get the milk free?"
Here's an update for you! Nowadays 80% of woman are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just for a little sausage!!!!!!
:rofl:
A man walks into a dentist's office and says: "I think I'm a moth."
The dentist replies: "You shouldn't be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist."
The man replies: "I am seeing a psychiatrist."
The dentist says: "Well then, what are you doing here?"
The man says: "Your light was on."
mmmmmmmmmm good visual..............as long as they are not obbese (sp)..............
These Two guys have been working in this office job for like 5 years and one guy is white and the other is colored and the white guy is there everyday happy as can be and the colored guy is just sick of it and he finally asked the white guy how do you do it why are you happy all the time and the white guy says maybe cause its i make love to my wife every night and the colored guy says how the hell do you do that and he says i tell her poetry and the colored guy asks well what do you say and the white guy says "blondie blondie eyes of blue get ready cause im going to come home and make love to you" and the colored guy says crap im going to have to try that so the colored guy goes home comes back the next day just beat to crap and the white guy asks what the hell happened to you and the colored guy say i went home and try to tell my wife poetry and this is what happened and the white guy say what the hell di you say to her and the colored guy says " nappy head nappy head eyes like a frog get down on your knees and take it like a dog" :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Short Circuit?
MY FATHER IS A STRIPPER IN A GAY BAR
MY FATHER IS A STRIPPER IN A GAY BAR
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.. All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he finally replied,
"Okay...my father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will Go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No", the boy said, "He actually works for the Democratic National Committee and helped get Barack Obama elected President last year, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the class."
A brave knight must go off to fight in the Crusades, so he leaves his sexy wife at home. As she can't be trusted, he fits her with a lethal chastity belt made out of razor blades.
On his victorious return, he lines up all his male staff and makes them drop their trousers. He is greeted by a whole line of shredded willies, except for one. He goes up to the man and says: "Unlike all the others, you have not betrayed my trust. In return I shall give you half my land."
To which the faithful servant replies: "Ugg ou gery muk."
When an old lady pokes you at a wedding and says "your next" just do the same to them at a funeral. ;):rofl: wow thats terrible
In-that case I want a million ducks..........:lol:
I'm supposed to get 3 no?
next one is to motorboat some movies.......................:lol:
I'm supposed to get 3 no?
next one is to motorboat some movies.......................:lol:
You want an overcoat on boobies?
why not just wish for a genie that can hear???I'm supposed to get 3 no?
next one is to motorboat some movies.......................:lol:
You want an overcoat on boobies?
NOOOOOOOOOO! this damm genie sucks...........i'm sticking to wishing starts from now on.
why not just wish for a genie that can hear???I'm supposed to get 3 no?
next one is to motorboat some movies.......................:lol:
You want an overcoat on boobies?
NOOOOOOOOOO! this damm genie sucks...........i'm sticking to wishing starts from now on.
I recently joined a dating website...I was asked to describe my ideal date...
I said...I love page 3 girls, they're so sexy...
I didn't get any replies..
.then I realised that my "p" button was broke !!!!!
Q:What do you call a person with no fear?Cue :colorado:
A: An ambulance.
Godd memories............... :thumbs:
Cowboy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in
his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make
love to when you have a headache."
The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up
and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know
that's a sheep, not a cow."
The cowboy replies, "If you weren't such a
presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to
the sheep."
Two blond-haired men named Bob and Ben go camping. They pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer and set off. After two days of hiking, they arrive at a great spot but soon realize that they’ve forgotten to pack a bottle opener. Bob turns to Ben and says: “You gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer."
"No way," says Ben, "By the time I get back, you'll have eaten all the food."
"I promise I won't," says Bob. "Just hurry!"
Five full days pass, and there's still no sign of Ben. Exasperated and starving, Bob gives in to hunger and digs into the sandwiches. Suddenly, Ben pops out from behind a rock and yells: "I knew it! I'm not f*cking going!"
A man goes up to a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and says: "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Do you mind talking to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
How I lost the trivia contest:
I lost the Trivia Contest at our country club last night by 1 point.
Not only got the last question wrong, but was immediately asked to leave.
The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?"
Apparently the correct answer is Fiji.
Ricky has broken his leg and his budd Mick comes over to see him. Mick says "So, How you doing?" Ricky says "ok, but do me a favor pal, run upstairs and get me my slippers, My feet are freezing".
Mick goes upstairs and sees Ricky's gorgeous 19-year old daughters lying on the bed naked. He says "your dad sent me up here to have sex with both of you". They say "Prove it"
So Mick shouts downstairs "Ricky, both of em?" Ricky shouts back "Of course both of em', Whats the point of f*****g one?"
LMAO!!!! :rofl:
LMAO!!!! :rofl:
and...whom might you be? :confused:
Bubba and earlene, both in there late 20s decided that Bubba needed to get a vasectomy as they had nine kids.
So they go see the doc about the proceedure, doc asks why, after Nine kids would they like to do the deed.
earlene says, doc, we read in the paper that in america, one in Ten Kids is Mexican,We don;t want to have a mexican because we don't speak spanish
Story of pat....
A guy visits a library and approaches the desk.
“Excuse me,” he says: “Do you have the new self-help book for men with small dicks?”
The librarian replies: “No, it’s not in yet.”
“Yep, that’s the one,” says the man.
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says: "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic: "Next semester, in her biology class."
Taking Back Sunday - "Divine Intervention"
A father and son are walking in a field when the son stands on a butterfly.
“No butter for you for a week,” says the dad.
Later, the son stands on a honeybee.
“No honey for you for a week,” says the dad.
That evening the boy's mother stands on a cockroach and the boy turns to his dad and says: “Should I tell her or do you want to?” .
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Q. What's long and hard and makes women groan?
A. An ironing board!
HEY OH!!! :rofl:
So little Billy walks into his mom and dads bedroom and see mom and dad going at it. Dad winks at Billy and smiles.
2 days later Billys dad is looking for his son at his moms house. He walks into his moms room and finds Billy going at it with his grandmother. Billy winks at his dad and says "How do you like it when someone is doing it to your mom"?
Two friends are having a drink. The first friend asks: “If I went to your house while you were at work and got your wife pregnant, would that make us related?”
“I don’t know about related,” the second friend replies: “but it would definitely make us even.”
There were too little twin boys who were given up for adoption. There names were Amal and Juan. The birth parents worked it out with the foster parents that they would get updated pictures of their kids every 6 months. Well 6 months go past and the birth parents are sent a picture of 1 kid, and on the back it said "Juan. 6 Months" So they decided to call the Foster parents to see if they could get a picture of Amal. All the Foster mom could say was, "Once you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal!"
they have armpits, cleavage, or butt cracks... good enough!
A woman went to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
"What denomination?" asked the clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" asked the woman: "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."
Unemployment Benefits
Congress has announced they intend to make it more difficult
to claim Unemployment Benefits.
Starting next Monday the forms will be printed in English.
The economy is so bad that:
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can no longer afford batteries.
CEOs are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
I bought a toaster-oven and my free gift was a bank.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Motel 6 won't leave the light on anymore.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
They renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street."
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island Casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
And, finally...
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my
savings, Social Security, retirement funds, maintenance increases, etc.,
I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told
them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked me if I could drive a truck.
I was watching some porn yesterday & saw Peels sex tape. I saw that he had a Huge cock
in his mouth :lol:
I was watching some porn yesterday & saw Peels sex tape. I saw that he had a Huge cock
in his mouth :lol:
I was watching some porn yesterday & saw Peels sex tape. I saw that he had a Huge cock
in his mouth :lol:
wtf bert?
:lol:I was watching some porn yesterday & saw Peels sex tape. I saw that he had a Huge cock
in his mouth :lol:
wtf bert?
thought you would be the one to not get mad, just a joke.
:rofl:
:lol:I was watching some porn yesterday & saw Peels sex tape. I saw that he had a Huge cock
in his mouth :lol:
wtf bert?
thought you would be the one to not get mad, just a joke.
:rofl:
Thanks to PuckerBrush for this one:
What does a 9 volt battery and a Woman's butthole have in common?
Eventually, even though you know its wrong, you'll touch your tongue to it.
A man sees a gorgeous woman standing alone at a bar. After tossing back a couple of shots he gets the nerve to approach her and says: "Hi, I was going to tell you a joke about my penis, but it's too long."
The woman looks at him for a moment and replies: "What a coincidence. I was going to tell you a joke about my ass, but you'll never get it."
Did you hear about the obese alcoholic transvestite ?
Did you hear about the obese alcoholic transvestite ?
ahhh Preddy08. yeah Ive heard of him
Comcast Internet. <- there's your joke.
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, Whatever you do, do not touch the garden. That is where I hid all the money."
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn’t believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the entire back garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear Wife, Now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, Whatever you do, do not touch the garden. That is where I hid all the money."
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn’t believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the entire back garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear Wife, Now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
Wrong Approach
Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds.
I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late."
His friend looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.
I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say 'WHO'S HORNY????!!!' and she acts like she's sound asleep! Works every time!"
A Texas DPS Officer pulled over a pick-up truck owner
for a faulty taillight. When the officer approached the driver, the man
behind the wheel handed the officer his driver license, insurance card and
a concealed weapon carry permit.
The officer took all the documents, looked them over and said. "Mr..
Smith, I see you have a CCP. Do you have any weapons with you?"
The driver replied, " Yes sir, I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a
.45 in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot."
The officer looked at the driver and asked, "Anything else?"
"Yes sir, I have a Mossberg 500 12 gauge and an AR-15 behind the seat."
The officer asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range
and the man said he wasn't, so the officer bent over and looked into the
driver's face and said "Mr. Smith, you're carrying quite a few guns.
May I ask what you are afraid of?
Mr. Smith locked eyes with the officer and calmly answered,
"Not a damn thing.
Dear Dr Phil,
I was watching my neighbour's daughter sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was having a wank, I noticed my wife standing there, arms folded. Watching me. Is she a pervert?
Husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in cart. Wife barks, "What do you think you're doing?" The husband replies, "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans." The wife says, "Put them back, we can't afford them." A few aisles further the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream & puts it in the cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. The wife says, "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful." Her husband fires back, "So does 24 cans of beer & they're half the price.
A Police STOP at 2 AM :
An older man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
Why its great to be me.Corrected for content
1. My ass is never alone at a raptor rally.
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, but with one catch: He couldn't return to earth.Typical Lawyers, always screwing us engineers over (& making an exorbitant fee in the process for doing nothing)
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million" he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear: "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, "If you give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep one million and we'll send the engineer."
A Baptist Preacher was seated next to Peels on a flight to Iowa . After the plane took off, Peels asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by homosexual prostitutes, than let liquor touch my lips."
Peels then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice
Fault lines? :lol:
After 30 years of marriage a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her slowly and then said: "A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-K."
"What does that mean?" she asked.
"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot" he replied.
She smiled happily and then asked, "What about I-J-K?"
He replied, "I'm Just Kidding!"
one day phucker decides to go out hunting for bear, he hears about this absolutely huge bear in canada that has been terrorizing the local hunters. Phucker being awefully competitive decides he would show the canuk hunters a thing or two about how to hunt. He packs his best hunting rifle and fly's out to Canada. The next day while hunting he spots the bear, lines it up in his scope and "bang!" sees the bear fall and goes to walk up to where it falls. While looking arround he feels this tapping on his shoulder and turns arround to see this monsterous bear standing there. The bear feels sorry for the poor american and gives phucker 2 choices, i can either maul you to death or you can bend over and take it in the ass. Well phucker drops his pants and grabs his ankles. The next day phucker has his AR16 sent from the states, Phucker being smug figures he is gonna get this bear for sure now. While hunting he sees the bear again, lines him up and "rat a tat tat!!!", see the bear drop and walks up to where he saw the bear fall, all of a sudden Phucker feels a familiar tapping on the shoulder and turns arround. The bear then states "you know the drill" and Phucker drops his pants and grabs his ankles. Kamakazi finds out about the turn of events and laughs and Phucker uncontrolably, Phucker being humiliated contacts aaron and has a rocket launcher smuggled in, "im gonna get that SOB now". The next day Phucker sees the bear again, lines it up in the cross hairs and "fsssssssttt, BOOOOOM!", He walks up to where the pieces of the bear should have been and feels and all too familiar tap on the shoulder. the bear says " your arent in this for the hunting are you" :rofl:
President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him.
"What is it?" exclaims the President.
"It's the Abortion Bill, Mr. President - what do you want to do about it?"
"Just go ahead and pay it."
Dragonz...youll have to explain the Facebook photo on your wall....belonged to someone else you are lucky I couldnt steal it for some reason... :nod:The one on the top is a woman............!
two nekkid doodz, one holding the other one up while doing splits....and in your comment, you say its magnificent art..."athletic prowess" or something... :confused:
busted :lol:
Just for you Peelz, here is said picture, & note the shape of the ass & lack of dangly bits. The woman is a friend of a friend of mine. Professional dancer/gymnastDragonz...youll have to explain the Facebook photo on your wall....belonged to someone else you are lucky I couldnt steal it for some reason... :nod:The one on the top is a woman............!
two nekkid doodz, one holding the other one up while doing splits....and in your comment, you say its magnificent art..."athletic prowess" or something... :confused:
busted :lol:
KMHA :P
wow.. nice ass.... he must work out!Hefe, you can have the guy :-)
Little boy told this joke to my wife while she was cutting his hair.....
Lady walks up to a sheep farmer and says... "if I can guess exactly how many sheep you have, can I take one?"
"Sure" , He says.. "give it a shot"
she looks over the heard... carefully studing the sheep, and finally comes up with her answer... "256" she says..
"WOW, thats amazing... you are EXACTLY RIGHT" says the farmer... "go ahead and pick one out.. a deal is a deal"
so.. she looks around and finds a nice soft one, and decides to take it home....
just as she is about to get in the car with her sheep... the Farmer says... "Hey... if I can guess your TRUE hair color, can I win my dog back?"
Two patients limp into two different medical offices with the same complaint. Both have painful trouble walking and appear to require hip surgery.
The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an
x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled 7 months away, pending the review boards
decision based on his age and remaining value to society.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The FIRST is a Golden Retriever taken to a vet.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen on Obama care...
If, in November, he and his cronies get another term, we'll all have to find a good vet!
Little boy told this joke to my wife while she was cutting his hair.....
Lady walks up to a sheep farmer and says... "if I can guess exactly how many sheep you have, can I take one?"
"Sure" , He says.. "give it a shot"
she looks over the heard... carefully studing the sheep, and finally comes up with her answer... "256" she says..
"WOW, thats amazing... you are EXACTLY RIGHT" says the farmer... "go ahead and pick one out.. a deal is a deal"
so.. she looks around and finds a nice soft one, and decides to take it home....
just as she is about to get in the car with her sheep... the Farmer says... "Hey... if I can guess your TRUE hair color, can I win my dog back?"
lol?
missed something?
its funny because a little kid told it to my wife...
he was like 8 years old... grumpy old fart!
"Some people say it's what's on the inside that counts. If that were true about women, Playboy would be running centerfolds of brain tissues and gall bladders."
-Christy Murphy
"The biggest thing about raising girls, it seems, is dispelling the whole princess myth. Everything they get is about being a princess: crowns and gowns and scepters. She's waiting for a prince. They don't exist. There's no guy out there with tights and good manners that's going to come whisk you away to Happy Town, and if there is, he's looking for another guy in tights."
:lol:
"The biggest thing about raising girls, it seems, is dispelling the whole princess myth. Everything they get is about being a princess: crowns and gowns and scepters. She's waiting for a prince. They don't exist. There's no guy out there with tights and good manners that's going to come whisk you away to Happy Town, and if there is, he's looking for another guy in tights."
:lol:
:rofl: Almost total truth. Not really funny.... whose quote is that?
"John Lennon imagined a world filled with peace and love. Martin Luther King dreamt of a world free from racial discrimination and oppression. The guy who invented the Frisbee, dreamt of a world where people would throw a fat, circular object at each other in order to pass the time. He succeeded."
-Jon Lajoie
:lol:
Jon is one of my favorite people!
Jon is one of my favorite people!
i bet he's white :rolleyes:
"Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a DVD player for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95." -Chris Rock
:lol:
I used to work with a guy who REGULARLY got $5.00 blow jobs from a couple crack heads... (true story)
jokes about canadians are always funny.
One thing about blokes from down under is that their hearts and humour are always in the right place!
T. B. Bechtel, a City Councillor from Newcastle , Australia , was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.
HIS STATEMENT: "If hooking up one rag head terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little camel shagger will save just one Australian life, then I have only three things to say, .. "Red is positive, black is negative, and make sure his nuts are wet."
Dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner.
"Son, where were you today?"
The son says "at school dad." Robot slaps the son!
"Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!"
"What dvd?"
"Toy story." Robot slaps the son again!
"Ok, it was a porno" cries the son.
"What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad. Robot slaps the dad!
Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son." Robot slaps the mom...
Dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner.
"Son, where were you today?"
The son says "at school dad." Robot slaps the son!
"Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!"
"What dvd?"
"Toy story." Robot slaps the son again!
"Ok, it was a porno" cries the son.
"What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad. Robot slaps the dad!
Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son." Robot slaps the mom...
:rofl:
One morning a grumpy boss notices that one of his employees is not at his desk, so he calls his home. A small child answers in a whisper, "Hello?"
"Is your father home?" the boss asks.
"Yes," the child replies.
"May I please speak with him?"
"No," is the response.
"Okay, is your mommy home then?"
"Yes," is whispered again.
"May I please speak with her?"
"No," is the reply.
By now the boss is getting frustrated. "What are they doing then?" he asks.
"Talking to the policeman," the child whispers.
Now this gets the bosses attention. "Why is there a policeman there?" he asks.
"He came in the helicopter," the child whispers.
"A helicopter?" Now his interest is really intrigued. "Why is there a helicopter there?" he asks in an excited voice.
"They're all with the search party," the child says.
"A search party, who are they searching for?" the boss asks.
"Me," the voice replies, and then hangs up.
An old man is sitting on his porch and sees a kid go by with some duct tape in his hands and hollers out, "Hey boy, where you going with that duct tape?"
The kid replies, "Going to get some ducks."
The old man shouts back, "You can't get any ducks with duct tape."
The boy passes on and says, "We'll see."
A few hours later, the old man sees the kid passing by with some ducks in his hand.
The following day, the old man is on his porch again and sees the boy passing by with some chicken wire. He shouts out, "Hey boy, where you going with that chicken wire?"
The boy replies, "Going to get some chickens."
The old man says, "But you can't get any chickens with chicken wire!"
The boy continues on by and says, "We'll see."
Hours later the boy passes by the old man's house. To his amazement, the old man sees that the boy has some chickens in his hands.
The following day, the old man is on the porch again and sees the boy passing by. He shouts out, "Hey boy, what do you have there in your hands?"
The boy answers, "Pussy willows."
The old man replies, "Just a minute while I get my coat!"
NO!What would you know about spelling, asshole :P
the WHOLE of New Zealand's spelling ability.... :rofl:
NO!What would you know about spelling, asshole :P
the WHOLE of New Zealand's spelling ability.... :rofl:
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.
In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said, "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."
He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my backpack."
:badum:
:lol:
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the
difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent
linguistic conference held in London, England, and attended by some of
the best linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was
the clear winner.
His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between
COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE
and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.
Here is his astute answer:
"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry
the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you
with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"
His answer was received with a standing ovation.
Gentleman,
I removed a few jokes from this thread do to Racial comments. Please refer to our rules (http://www.raptorsource.com/forum/index.php?topic=2.0) if you have any question about our stance about this.
There will not be another warning.
Aaron
Gentleman,
I removed a few jokes from this thread do to Racial comments. Please refer to our rules (http://www.raptorsource.com/forum/index.php?topic=2.0) if you have any question about our stance about this.
There will not be another warning.
Aaron
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
If these offend anybody, let me know...I will remove them. ( I just heard them, so I had to share)
Q: Why is the Camel known as the “Ship” of the desert?
A: Because it is full of Arabic seamen.
Q: How do you know when an Arabic boy is now a man?
A: he removes the diaper from his ass and puts it on his head.
first joke=priceless, second one,racistpriceless as well-welcome to the site.
Gentleman,
I removed a few jokes from this thread do to Racial comments. Please refer to our rules (http://www.raptorsource.com/forum/index.php?topic=2.0) if you have any question about our stance about this.
There will not be another warning.
Aaron
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Gentleman,
I removed a few jokes from this thread do to Racial comments. Please refer to our rules (http://www.raptorsource.com/forum/index.php?topic=2.0) if you have any question about our stance about this.
There will not be another warning.
Aaron
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Ahh, back when this site was ATV related :srs:
If these offend anybody, let me know...I will remove them. ( I just heard them, so I had to share)
Q: Why is the Camel known as the “Ship” of the desert?
A: Because it is full of Arabic seamen.
Q: How do you know when an Arabic boy is now a man?
A: he removes the diaper from his ass and puts it on his head.
first joke=priceless, second one,racistpriceless as well-welcome to the site.
heres the joke...
Peels' pre-deletion quote skillz in action? :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
moderate THIS bitches! :bird:
ERMAHGERD ...Jealous much?
who got the facial?
:lol:
Rose walks up to her mom one day and asks, "Mommy, why was I named rose?"
"Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."
Next, Violet walks up to her mom and asks the same question.
Her mom replies, "when you were born, a violet fell from the sky and landed on your head."
Violet skipped away happily.
The mother's third daughter walks up and says, "AAAEWWWWAAAGGHHHHERYYYYYRRHHFFGHHH".
"Shut up, Cinderblock."
I lol'd :rofl:
A beautiful woman is standing on a bridge, looking over the side and thinking about jumping off.
A homeless man walks up to her.
She sees the man coming and says, "Go away! There's nothing you can say to change my mind!"
He says, "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, why don't we have sex? At least I'll enjoy it."
"Absolutely not! You're disgusting!", she replies.
The man turns and starts walking away.
"Is that all you're going to say? You're not going to try to convince me that life is worth living? Where are you going?"
"I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you'll still be warm!", he says.
A beautiful woman is standing on a bridge, looking over the side and thinking about jumping off.
A homeless man walks up to her.
She sees the man coming and says, "Go away! There's nothing you can say to change my mind!"
He says, "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, why don't we have sex? At least I'll enjoy it."
"Absolutely not! You're disgusting!", she replies.
The man turns and starts walking away.
"Is that all you're going to say? You're not going to try to convince me that life is worth living? Where are you going?"
"I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you'll still be warm!", he says.
Mike gets a call at work he had been waiting for. The baby is coming and the wifes already at the hospital! He hightails it from work gets there as fast as he can, and paces in the waiting room. A few minutes pass and a doctor comes out and asks "Are you mr Smith?" "Yes yes whats the news?" "you need to see this, its unbelievable but, YOUR CHILD CAN FLY.
Mike gives a puzzled look and follows him into the nursery ward. The doctor walks right up to the newborn in the crib and picks him up slightly and then lets go. The baby lands softly back on the crib. "Hmm weird, he just did it a second ago" So the doctor picks the baby up out of the crib and lets go. The baby hits the ground with a sickening thud. By now Mike is furious.
"NO IM SERIOUS HE JUST DID IT A SECOND AGO SEE LOOK" And with that, the doctor opens up the window on the fifth floor nursery and slings the baby out the window. The baby boomerangs right into a parked car, shattering the windshield.
Just as Mike reaches his arm back to punch the everliving shit out of the doctor he says, "Nah man im just messin with ya. It was a stillborn"
Two men are sitting next to each other on a train, both with black eyes. Naturally curious, the first man looks at the other and says,
"So, how'd you get the black eye?"
The other guy responds, "Well, it was a freudian slip."
"What's that?" the first asks
"It's when you mean to say one thing but say another that exposes what you thought." answers the second
Then the first guys waits a second and asks, "Oh. So what happened?"
"Well, i was buying my ticket for the train, and the woman at the desk had the biggest boobs i'd ever seen. So, when i meant to say 'two tickets to pittsburgh', i accidentally said 'two pickets to tittsburgh', hence the black eye."
And so the first guy responds. "You know, that's weird, something very similar happened to me. This morning, I was eating breakfast with my wife, and i meant to say 'could you pass the jam', but i accidentally said, you ruined my life you stupid bitch!!!
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Friendship between women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
Friendship between men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Why is your mom like a South Carolina Tabacco field?
Both get plowed by many black men
I heard some guy tell two terrible Malaysian Airline jokes...
The first one got no response and the second one was shot down in flames
:poke: :ghost2: :dig: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Along the way they run into a tribe of cannibals. The chief was a pleasant fellow, but had some unfortunate news for them.
"Gentlemen, I am sorry but I must follow the way of my people."
"Oh?" says the Brit. "What's that?"
"Well..." the chief responds, "We will kill you, cook you, eat you, and use your skin to make a canoe. However we're not entirely uncivilized. We will let you choose the manner of your death, and perform it yourself, if you'd like."
The Frenchman steps forward first. "I will take a sword, s'il vous plaît."
The cannibals hand him a sword. The Frenchman shouts "Vive la France!" then runs himself through with the sword.
Next the Brit steps forward. "I'll have a pistol, chaps."
The cannibals hand him a pistol. "GERD save the Queen!" shouts the Brit, and blows his brains out.
Finally the New Yorker steps forward. "Gimme a fork."
The cannibals are a bit mystified, but nonetheless give him a fork. He proceeds to stab himself all over with the fork. Arms, legs, face, torso. Anywhere he can stab himself with it, he does so.
The chief is aghast. "Good Lord! What are you doing?!?!?!"
The New Yorker bellows,
"SO MUCH FOR YER CANOE, YA FUCKING JERKS!"
For you aaron :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
A Sailor walks in the bathroom to go piss As he walks in, he sees a kid standing there. The kid looks up and asks, "Mister, are you a sailor?" The sailor says that he is and asks the kid if he wants to wear his hat. The kids nods his head and puts it on. A minute later, a Marine walks in and goes over to the urinal. The kid looks up and asks, "Mister, are you a Marine?" The Marine says, "Yea, why? You wanna hold my dick or something?" The kid says, "Oh no, I'm not a sailor, I'm just wearing his hat."
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."
A married couple rushes to the hospital...because the wife is going into labor. When they arrive, the doctor tells them that the hospital is looking for couples to try out this new machine that transfers a percentage of the mother's pain to the father during childbirth. The couple readily agrees to use it.
When the birthing process starts, the doctor goes ahead and says, "Okay, let's start easy. Transferring 20% of the pain to the father."
After a few minutes, the husband, seeing that his wife is still in a lot of pain, asks for more.
The doctor says, "Okay, transferring 40% of the pain to the father."
The husband, noticing that he is feeling totally fine and his wife is still in pain, asks for more.
"Okay, transferring 70% to the father."
After a few more minutes, the husband tells the doctor, "Doc, I can handle this, give me all of it."
So the doctor transfers 100% of the pain to the father. The husband seems completely normal, and the wife ends up giving birth with relatively zero pain. Happily, the couple heads home.
When they arrive, they find the mailman dead on the porch.
:badum:
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests He says "I'm <Thou shalt not use the Lord's name in vain>." The first priest says "no son you're not." The drunk turns to the other priest, "I'm <Thou shalt not use the Lord's name in vain>" to which the second priest replies "no son you're not." So the drunk says "Look I'll show you." So he walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says "<Thou shalt not use the Lord's name in vain> you're here again?"
What happens when you fart in church?
You sit in your own pew :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
I'll be here all night boys and girls!
Why did the sperm cross the road?
I put the wrong sock on this morning.
:rofl:
:badum:
:rofl:
google mischief :rofl:
https://www.google.com/maps/place/33%C2%B030'52.5%22N+73%C2%B003'33.2%22E/@33.5169848,73.0597719,15z/data=!4m2!3m1!1s0x0:0x0?hl=en
Because it'd take forever for someone to notice it?
:lol:
who's google mapping something in pakistan>!
A man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?" she asked.
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
Just got back from the dr.
The exam was going well... or so I thought
BUT then she advised me that I should quit masturbating..
WHY? of course I asked her....
"Because you're shaking the table, and I'm trying to examine you"
bitch!
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddybears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It's obvious that he has taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them. She's immediately touched by the amount of thought he put into organizing the display.
There are small bears all alongThe bottom shelf, Medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and Huge, enormous bears running
All the way along the top shelf.
She finds it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but don't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking. After awhile, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my GERD! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?"
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.
He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom, where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently Strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'
I did NOT see that coming!
:rofl:
What do the Twin Towers and gender have in common?
There used to be two, and now it's a really touchy subject.
I'll show myself out.
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."
:lol:
A govt in control of its own fiat currency need never go bankrupt, lest someone decides to ferk with the debt ceiling again.
You're right...back on topic.
Our Govt :badum:
You're right...back on topic.
Our Govt :badum:
You're right...back on topic.
Our Govt :badum:
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
:rofl: :rofl:
:rofl:
I'm sad now
:(
I like my women like I like my whiskey.
12 years old and mixed up with coke.
Disclaimer: This is just a joke, i do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.
:conceit:
:rofl:
that's just bad form
I like my 12yo's lucid!
the best part about showering with a 12 year old.... you can slick her hair back and she looks 8!
/me thinks this thread may have gone too far
A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.
The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer."
The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror.
She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."
:conceit:
A father watched his young daughter as she played in the garden. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. The father went over to her to see what had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" she asked. "They’re mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top?" "That’s a Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" she asked.
The father's heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question. He laughed, and then replied, "No sweetheart. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped the spiders flat. "Well, we’re not having any of that gay shit in our garden."
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
wife has been hinting around that she'd like be woke up with Oral Sex....
so I tried it..
imagine my surprise when she mumbles.... "Get that fuckin thing outta my mouth!"
:shrug: .. she didn't care for it....
I think her mouth guard was in the way
Why does Kevin Spacey never get 1st place in races?
Because he likes to come in a little behind.
:badum:
Bush, Trump, and Hillary are all on a plane... Bush says, "I could throw this 100$ bill out the window and make someone happy". Trump, with a smug look on his face replies and says, "I could throw ten 10$ bills out the window and make 10 people happy". Hillary smirks and says "oh yeah, I could throw one hundred 1$ bills out the window and make 100 people happy". Then the pilot says to the co-pilot, "I could throw all 3 of these fucking idiots out the window and make millions of people happy".
A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."